The end of another year...

    While I didn't end 2023 in sickness (Thankfully), I still did end 2023 on quite the downer, for anything, 2023 was indeed, bloody uneventful.

    Having changed jobs in July was the only real event that gave any meaning to this year, and anything else seemed to just fly by the wayside like a blur. While I know that this is how adulting is, things somehow feels... empty.

    Maybe it's because I'm still alone in this world I'm stuck with, while seeing everyone move on with their lives. Maybe it's because 2023 has nothing worth me making any memories about. Even the event that I had waited with bated breath had left me even more unfulfilled, looking on as others were having a merry time on their hands while I contemplated with my decisions...

    Yet, if anything, a year of nothingness seems so relaxing to yesteryear's tumultuous losses, having not been able to keep friends around and getting irritated over them going away. While I do still lose people, I do realize that if anything. losing them makes my life so much more relaxed and easier to live around. Not having them poison the time and effort does make me a lot more calm and rational. 

    All that said, I don't intend going in to 2024 with any more bigger hopes and dreams, other than the ones I have been pining for all this time. And nor will I walk in with the "new year, new me" bullshit. If anything, the current me is someone I think, I am currently okay with. Though having found someone new in my life would be a great addition, seriously.

Ian

Half a year later...

Well, it has been a really long time since I last updated this place and honestly, I really enjoy doing this time to time, but work and everything has kind of robbed me of this small pleasure. But now with the new job, I guess it's time to really update...

For start, had left the old job when the contract came to an end, and honestly, I felt that the experience was good enough to carry forward, although it meant that I had to look for something new and spent one month out of work, which honestly was a much needed break from the monotony of the last job, coming home too tired to really want to do anything. Though, the acquaintances I made there do enlighten me on how the working world really can be, and truth be told, I think that's the best thing I learnt in the last job.

However, I gotta admit that, despite having now a steady income with work, I still feel hollow, but I know what it is that I lack, yet at the same time, I do wonder, if she had seen me now, who she have changed her mind about us...?

Nah, I doubt it. Honestly, while I do wish to an extent, I think it's for the best that I carry on already. After all this time, I have to say that it was still a nice part of my ow history, as short lived as it was.

But now that my new work is starting to smooth out into the second month, I do want to think ahead, decide on what to do next, especially with my goal in mind...

And before anyone who reads this thinks that I have calmed down and am not angsty or angry at anything, I still am, both at myself and people that I have bones to pick with. As long as people continue to err (including myself), I will get angry and upset, until I find the perfection that I seek within everything that I want to achieve. And till then, maybe I'll try a little harder, just to write more often than having a half year gap between all the ruckus.

Ian

2023??

2021年、クリスマス

2022 年最後の日

2023年、それはいつ??

Yeah, I know I'm late to writing this reflection post due to unforeseen circumstances, (Having a headache, fever, muscle aches and an internally destroying body oh my) but I still do want to take some time to look back at 2022, a year with a lot of reflect upon.

To start, I guess 2022 was the year where I finally sort of have a reality check upon my life and where it has led to. For the most part, it has got to do with the people I have been around with and the results of their influence upon me and my life. Basically, with 2023, I hope to make more acquaintances that I can feel better hanging out with, as much as I know that I'll probably be still stuck with some of the stuck ups that I rather spend less time with. And while that is the case, I have come to an understanding on why these people are as such and why their influence has become a terrible aspect around me. Not that I wish to not know these people (there are exceptions), but I have pondered and realised that these people, even if they are my friends, aren't exactly good for my mental health moving forward in my life.

2022 is also the year where I realised that growing up, you're bound to lose people in your life through differing paths. Through my younger brother, I learnt that sometimes, some friends are bound to leave you even when you least expect it, and somehow, it reminded me of my days old, when I was strong willed enough to be left alone and stayed alone. And yet, now I seem to be a bit like him, wanting to keep all my friendships together. But again, through him, I realised that some friends aren't worth keeping if they wish to leave, or if they aren't going to understand and respect you. Growing up, we are all bound to have differing opinions and ideals, but what keeps a friendship together is the mutual respect towards one another, not forcing each other to swallow down the opinions of one another. In that sense, I have come to understand that, I am glad some of the friends I have remaining are the kinds of friendships I'd rather have, than just having so many and yet having to bend over backwards just to please all of them.

2022 is also the year where I got to see how I have grown up to be slightly more cooled down. That, despite having still held on to some aspect of being hotheaded and easily angered, I have realised that, in some cases, some people aren't worth your time to get angry about, and in 2023, I gotta keep that up, and be prepared that eventually,, I may have to come to a decision between these people and myself. For I have to be honest to myself, that I cannot possibly keep spending the rest of my years getting irritated over all these people. While I may not live up to these goals, I gotta try and work towards them, understanding that not everyone is worth my time getting worked up and angry about.

In the end 2022 was a year that I have things to be angry about, things to be upset about, but most importantly, things that I have learnt to grow up with. If anything, I only wish that 2023 may be the year where I finally shake off people that aren't worth my time and effort to keep, and the people I keep are the ones I believe that will be better for the years to come.

Ian

P.S. If you came to read this (by some miracle that this is even read by anyone) and was expecting some angry nonsense, the only thing I am angry is falling ill on the last day of the year and having to self medicate back to the living without my parents knowing and giving me another headache to start the year with. Especially since the last time this happened was on goddamned Christmas 2021!! Why is that I end every year for the last two years sick??

OK

I'm done. I have officially given up any shred of hope left in me with you. after what has been said, I'm done. You think that after all these years, just because I have not uttered a word, means that I don't have anything to say? You say that disabled people are the ones who have lost limbs? How narrow-minded one can get?? You think my injury is a joke? You think it is something I can just slap a band-aid on and say it's OK the next day? EXCUSE ME? Hello, my injury is not a joke to begin with, it has already made it's lasting impacts within my body and you think just because some old dude can work your job on a part time means something?? WHAT DO YOU EVEN MEAN? 

Just because I can't find a job now, doesn't mean I didn't look for one. Just because I didn't talk means I'm not looking for one. YOU GODDAMN sack of BONES! You think I wanted to be like this, Cold and Distant? Have you ever acted like a parent when I needed you? Have you ever done anything that you could say that you did yourself as a parent? Giving me food and shelter isn't something that you should be proud of, IT"S the GODDAMN basics you old folks home! If not, why even bother raising us to begin with? 

You speak of my brother as though we are the same. Does he? The dude, if anything, has already given up to begin with. He's not going onto university because you two already voiced saying that he cannot pursue his choice on the future that he wants. Can't you see and understand? That if anything, he's given up. If you can't, I can! I'm his flesh and blood brother, and no man with drive would be like him, still floundering around in his job. Sure, he has one, but is he supposed to work that till he dies? HAVE you both sacks of shits even thought of that?

And for those who have chanced upon my words and wish to tell me otherwise, I appreciate opinions, but do not speak as though you know me and think of me as being "edgy". I too am human, and need an outlet to let out my anger. All of us use various methods to vent our frustrations, and this is mine. I do not enjoy vices nor in self mutilation in doing so and this is my only outlet left to express. I'm angry and frustrated. And neither of my parents will even understand that to begin with. With this writing, I'm beyond words to state how much I am done speaking with them on this. The clock ticks down, and I have nowhere to scream into. My anger is burning, yet I can't speak it. If you think otherwise, masking oneself is an art I have learnt through the years.

But back to topic, it isn't your achievement to be able to feed, shelter or clothe us, nor should it be. It's your basic responsibility to do so, and the ironclad rule that is in parenting, even till death (Otherwise, why don't the disabled children get thrown away once they were found disabled?). And also, I am legally recognised by the Government that I have sustained injury for the sake of defending my country. By that term, EVEN the Government has determined that  am disabled, which by the way is defined as "has an illness, injury, or condition that tends to restrict the way that they can live their life, especially by making it difficult for them to move about." And my injury does! I cannot sleep properly, stand for extended periods nor even sit for said period. And if you want to argue otherwise, Have you ever seen me standing up and around? NO! You just sit at the front watching your GODDAMNED TV and never even bothered! So stop acting all high and mighty for fucks' sake and recognise the truth, you fuck! Also, do you see me complain about it day in and out? Do I grumble to you every waking moment? I bore the pain and kept going on like the rest of you, and did you even care? NO!

You say you want me to be normal, but how is someone like me going to be without revealing my injury and by extension, being abnormal? My injury is, if anything, plain in sight. You just don't want to admit the same way I did, and think that it's alright to look the other way! You say that I do nothing all day, but where you there to see and to understand that I have? NO! All you two have done, is nothing short of neglect, just like how you did with your parents, and only ever bothered to take the easy way out and said to heck with it. I am thoroughly ashamed that you two only ever think that you have done your best, when you didn't even pass anything!! All you ever did was scold, beat, scream, and said everything nasty, while I stood silent, not for being guilty, but for not being able to bring myself to tell you anything else. If you're going to throw me out , I'm not worried. I have no cash nor anything, but I will survive, and if anything, I have lived long enough to see that my life was for nothing but a pursuit of goals and disappointments to myself, and a story to tell of how unfeeling even blood can be. And if anything, that's a good story to bring to my grave. And I hope you're prepared for me to make that decision, if anything. Because I am, slowly but surely.

I hate having to be so cold, so distant. Just like my younger brother, I too wished I could talk, but no matter how I try to shake, the shadows left in me are not something so easily shaken. Things that you both have long forgotten are still fresh in my memory, like they all happened yesterday. Do I think want to get rid of all them memories? I DO, but it's been 20 years, and till now, many of the things I been through are still fresh within me, good or bad. Having such a photogenic memory is both such a bless and yet a curse I have never wished I had. but here they lie, twisting my memories and making it so much harder to let go. And yet you two carry on, thinking that I had grown up and out, without ever realising that, the shadows in me grew too, and still haunt me till now, tirelessly writhing within my ever growing memories.

You can state as many cases as you want, but my verdict has already been set in stone. Even if I chose to forgo, my body will never be the same. I am indeed disabled though my injury. WHAT IN THE GODDAMNED WORLD DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!? Medication is the only THING that is keeping me from actually collapsing due to the pain. And tonight, I swallow another.

Ian

Normalities at last?

Well, it has been a while since I picked up the pen and penned my thoughts, and yeah, there's news: I'm finally working. (Yay...) And while everything is now slightly better, something's still feels wrong for me.

While I do like the working environment (albeit that I'm so socially awkward, I still feel out of place...) of my first official job, I cannot help but to feel lacking, that I'm still far away from my goal of being where I want to be. Yes, I am going to leave out a lot of details because for once, I simply cannot find a way to hide the names and the issues. Unlike the army days when I still had a flame to burn, my age and thoughts have caught up to me, cooling it out like a blanket of snow on spring. After all that has been said and done, I found myself on the starting line at something normal, but now unable to run because I have so much more to think, so much more to be concerned, and most importantly, lesser strength to keep the pace. But, I still wanna aim and achieve in a way. So in a sense, this post is more about just being a goddamn reminder to the future me, who will inevitably look at this post sometime in the future and be reminded that we have a goal to achieve, normality be damned. 

Again, I have to say that while I am giving all the seniors in my new workplace a lot of trouble, I can only say that I am in the process of catching up, and making mistakes is the only way I can learn in a world where learning by bashing your head against the wall is and should be the norm, despite there being people who would tell you otherwise. But all of this is to ensure that by the time I leave, I will be ready to walk the correct road and reach my goal. Knowing myself, 'tis might be the best way yet to reach the end goal in the race. 

Got to admit though, the pay is definitely a good reason I am still aiming up and out. But who doesn't want a decent pay when inflation is making it hard for me to have a good time in my late twenties?

Ian

P.S. Yes, there isn't anything to rant now, partly because I have a policy of not letting work into my personal life and also because shaming companies isn't going to do jack shit when companies are themselves inanimate and therefore possesses as much feelings as the brick and mortar that builds them. Aren't you glad this ain't no rant to spam? 

This is just great....

 Back here again, huh...

But with a different writing format...

Indeed, I am tired...

And frankly, out of things to say any further... 

A cry for help? Not heard

A tear of sorrow? Unseen

A pulse of anger? Felt

A rise in tension? Definitely

Yet, I cannot do anything at all... All this sorrow, anger, frustration, and yet I have to swallow my pride and clench my fists till they bleed from my nails dug in.

I want to shed tears openly from my eyes, yet they flow from the heart, crying ever so bitter, trying to feign ignorance to the pleas made from the brain.

I want to also be like everyone else, doing what they like, living the way I see others do. Yet, you tell me I must now instead choose to be like you, repeating the cycle you only knew from a mistake the previous generation made.

Is it really that hard? To support my dream? When all you ever did was always break them?

You say you always helped me, but all I ever saw was even more of the help that was always unneeded, not the help I expected.

You never once thought in my shoes, declaring that you always did what you thought was right for me. But I know,

    What's right, is often maybe not the best thing to do.

    What may be correct in logic, may never be the proper thing to do .

You expect that, with all the bindings attached, that I may fly like others. Yet while I now fall, you stomp your feet and curse and shout, like a kid angry that their paper plane did not fly as far, or as high, as they wanted it to be.

You said you never wanted me to be like others, but yet, you never understood. I too, do not want to be like everyone else, but to be able to fully use the gifts I have, gifts you made me realise too late.

You said, that why I argued with what you do when what I do does not help. But you never knew, how much I'm trying to help myself, numbing the pain I feel daily.

You said I never helped at home, but you never knew how big a shadow was cast from young, when I did and got reprimanded for it and how much I don't want it to repeat.

No, you did want me to be like all the others, and now that I'm not, you stamp your feet again, angry at how things did not turn out the way you wanted it to be.

But you never realised, all this time, I have been trying, putting on faces and holding it all in.

But this time, all I really want to do, is to stop hurting myself

I really want to give up

I really want to quit

I really can't find the strength in me to keep going on like this...

I really just want to cry

While I can help others, I can't get anyone to help me...

Not even my younger brother

Nor neither of you

You think I don't feel the shame, but you never saw...

The tears that form at the edges of my eyes, the unwillingness to get up from my slumber, and the lack of strength to fight anymore

You think that your words aren't able to provoke me to action, and yes, they do.

But never in the way you think it would.

I sometimes wonder, if you ever came across my words here. The screams, yells, and everything else.

But I know it to myself, it would never.

A dream, a fantasy, an alternate reality.

I never expected for neither of you to understand what I do.

But it's the same lack of expectations that pains me so.

If anything, I already bore it for so long, why do you think I would tip over now?

Yet, I am ready to tip.

I'm ready to throw in the towel.

I don't even know what I want anymore.

I just want to cry.

Stamp my feet

Curse and rage

But I can never do that in front of you, because you would never reply those feelings with they way I want them to be.

So I'll keep them here, locked away in time and cyberspace.

Cause I never want you to know.

That I'm tired, my dear parents. And ready to fall even further down.

Ian

Goodbye 2021

 OK, I'm no windbag, so I'm going to state it simply. 2021, good riddance. I really didn't like this year, just as much as last year was to me. The only difference being that this year, I saw a lot more happier things that were around others, and a few sad things in my life. Yes, I'm extremely "salty" to speak, and would really wish the next year be a lot more forgiving and nicer to me. So, this post is to forever remind me of the days in 2021, where I had nothing and am at my lowest period in life, possibly. But, if there is one thing I look forward in 2022, that would be that, it is time to give up pursuit of my past and go do the things I want to do in life, and make myself a happier lad in the new year. 

Once again, good riddance, 2021. 2022, I look forward to a new and exciting relationship with you.

Ian

P.S. I read my old 2020 post and realised, I did accomplish being the same as least. Well, curse my raven mouth.