A Midnight's dream...

At the point of writing this post, it's almost 1 am in the morning... and sadly, my heart's sank further than titanic at this point... I know, most of my readers (if any, at all) might be wondering what nonsense am I going about again, but honestly, this is the only place I might be able to use to speak up and about my feelings freely, if at all, without the perjury of my parents and the rest of this world because, take it as it might seem, that people like me who even keeps this kind of shit going on may be alot more disrespected in real life than what majority may come to expect...

But enough of wallowing in the self pity and for others, this is about the me today and the only issue that's been weighing on my mind... My parents and their relentless and obsessive pursuit of my finances and my vehement and disappointed disapproval of them... Tl;dr, I had recently gotten a small sum of money from the government and my parents, after finding it out, are relentless in their pursuit to "aid" me in making my finances safe for the future. Sounds good, right?? That would be splendid if that came out from anyone else's parents, NOT my own damning pair!! All this while, they have never shown any form of concern and now this!? What kind of bullshit are they smoking to think that they have the rights to hold my finances in question when all they done is show me the kind of look that would even make the most innocent child notice that they are being looked down upon with disdain!!

After my embarrassing departure from the army (Yes, I do find it somewhat embarrassing due to the lack of, yet again, any achievements) and the inability to find a stable job due to my underwhelming grades (not a joke, I'm an embarrassing engineer, by all accounts) and my already debilitating health that has progressively affected my life in general, I had to resort to handouts from my parents, who did give, if not without the snarls and grimaced looks written on them, the kind that implied that I was nothing, if not, a lesser being than my own brother, whom they, in recent times, have made me feel that they seem to care way too much for. So much so, they inevitably made me somewhat a lesser being, affecting my mental health to a great extent. Unbeknownst to them, I probably have become so active in the night and alone, only because they are nothing more than the last bits of happiness that I have received in this miserable 24 years of my life.

In a sense, like some of my peers, I might have developed a sort of depression, one that cannot be cured other than by myself, one that can only be stopped if I could change everyone's mind, but sadly that shall not be the case. Why, you may ask, well, take for an example, if you will, a fish. You have a fish that is to be shared among your two children, one is fully capable of dealing with the bones in the fish, yet the other is completely inept. I know the choice answer would be to give the meatier portions of the fish to the inept one and ask the more capable one to fend the bones by himself. But, has anyone thought about the point that the child who could deal with bones also wishes to have the meat? That he is nothing short of tired and frustrated at your decision to constantly adhere to the issues regarding the inept child consistently requiring you to take out the bones, or even better, feed him the meatier portions of the fish?

That was nothing, if not, a visual representation of my parents and their love spread across their two children, and if you still couldn't see the picture, I'm the one capable of dealing with the bones. To me, being able to deal with the bones so long, my parents have come to assume that I can handle those mouth piercing things and have always asked me to eat at them bony portions, whilst wistfully handing my brother, all the meat and in the representation, their love and adoration of him. As the older one, I was always able to shrug it off, thinking it no less than the fact that my parents find him more worthy as he always been a head and shoulders about telling his lame and dumb achievements in the field that is acting. But this, seeing that the Army had given me a small and important sum to carry on with my life, they immediately assumed their roles as parents and started telling me to hand it over to them for safekeeping. Think about it, if you will, that you woke up and started seeing your own parents, who have been constantly angry and despising you because of what a failure you've been, grin from ear to ear, and asked you to hand over your lifeline for them to protect. HELL NO!! You'd wished it was a goddamn nightmare and screamed and begged for it to end. Well, this is my nightmare now, a nightmare that I have no way to wake up from because I'm wide awake!

And now look at me, a desperate 24 year old man, who had made so many bad decisions in his life, that he practically could write a movie that would sell to anyone looking for a comedy and those with mental issues looking for a movie that would accurately tell them of their lives to the rest of the world. A man, who, for most of his life, had tired and looked for the approval and adoration from his parents, to finally give up after the discharge from the army and seeing how they have been in recent times. A man, who, has lost dearly to the sands of time, and has little to nothing going for him except the last bet in his life in the degree he's pursuing. Does that look like a man that needs help, yes, in everything except his finances!! Because that's what practically keeping me alive and fighting for an unseen tomorrow. And now only, only now, does my parents wish to aid me, to not repeat the mistakes that I've made due to my lack of understanding there and then!? People change over the years, the sands of time will grind out the adult even in the most childish of teenagers and they assume I've never changed?? Bah humbug, I'd say!

Yes, I'd concede that my parents' care is nice and all, and that is something I don't want to forsake, but looking back at the way they have been to my grandparents, and myself in general, I cannot simply condone their loveless actions in trying to rake away at the last bits of my future for the sake of their present claims of love and what not. I'm not dumb, stupid nor the least innocent. Unlike my foolish brother, I've been through hell and back, war and disasters. I'm the grizzled veteran, laden with scars and injuries of fights past and present. Where were they when I was being dealt with the card of disgrace? Where were they when I was shoved and pushed around, unable to fight due to my peaceful nature, unwilling to turn the spearheads at others? In fact, my loss of fighting spirit for their love has been diminished ever since 15, and now, I can hardly even lift a finger to do anything that they would be happy if I did.

Yes, I have retained, no less, my disturbing childlike habits, and have continuously made bad decisions at times, but isn't this what life is supposed to be?? Fighting and living out your lives and making it to the top of your supposed glory? Instead, I'm now in my very own midlife crisis, and I haven't reached 30!! My life is in the biggest mess I'd had and yet they only came in after all the dust has settled and now want to take the glory that is my future to their own!? As parents, shouldn't they have walked in, comforted me in my pain and support me and my efforts to rebuilding my life after the crisis in my Army life?? Instead, they have walked in at the most opportune time and exclusively asked for me to put my life in their hands, hands which I know, have done absolutely nothing but supported my boorish brother and his drive to be a lame ass actor, with no idea of the cruelty that is the world and stardom. Hands which have, done nothing less but injured me and my pride as a person time and time again?? I repeat, I'm no longer the innocent Ian that you both given life to!

Unbeknownst to them, I have already made plans, plans to fight with them to the bitter end of it and show them that I have no intentions of giving up my life, my future to them anymore. Call it bitter irony, that I'd still have the obligations of duty in taking care of them. I'll fulfill them, but right now, I'm willing to lay down my life for the future I'm seeking, one that they have absolutely no intention of supporting, but I'll still give it my all to fight for and take back as much as I've lost. I'm not in the mood nor feeling to give in nor give up my already long gone life and future to anyone, not even to them. They'll only get what they want over my dead and soulless body.

Ian