My Current state of affairs...

Before I start, just to get this outta my systems, one month into University studies, eh? So how would I say it turned out to be?? Well, tiring, to be honest. Given how I haven't been learning jack all for the last 2 years, I gotta thank typing on this blog to remember that there are other keys on my keyboard and not W,A,S,D only with a mouse connected by it's USB plug. But, in all honesty, I don't wanna talk about my University studies at the moment, given that one month is barely enough drama, especially when you only have classes for 3 out of 14 days, which to my parents, is totally ridiculous apparently...

 But more importantly, is my current "mental state" I suppose. Given all that has been, and that I'm not one to scream and shout and let it all out on social media, I guess this is the best way to go about it. With my assignments now piling up and scaring the living shit outta me, I can help but to feel a little lost in everything. Honestly, the last 2 years in the army were nothing but crap and piss, and to have to now face back the reality isn't exactly helping. On one hand, there's me recovering from the fact that I had already left the army, my "dream job" for the last 8 months, and there's me, trying to co-exist with the rest of society, fitting in and hoping not to be weird. And then I see the rest of my world, moving at such a pace that I'm sorta just hopelessly lost in the flow, everyone having fun, laughter,sunshine and rainbows.

Everyone around me now seems so much more happier, living lives so much more fulfilled. And here I am, still pissed off at my past and hating myself with every thought about it. I've lost too much, and gained so little in the last 23 years of my life. Honestly, I do blame my parents for parts of the losses, but I'll be truthful and say, I blame myself. I've always been showing the wrong emotions in all the wrong times, and they have costed me more than I can even say is worth. Worse still, I'd daringly say I have became gutless to try and adventure out, especially after my accident in the army.

But somehow, I've found a little peace in looking at all my friends' happiness. Seeing how my acquaintances have found their happiness has somehow brought a small smile in me. Yet I look at myself and can only say it's ironic. The me from my past is returning, slowly but surely, while the me from the army is still around, and they seem to be co-existing perfectly, somehow. And it's making me thinking all the more ironically, with current me wanting everything, yet also seeing the past me resisting the change in the already fucked up life I'm leading. I want to be like the rest of my peers, enjoying themselves. Yet, I don't want to leave old Ian from 19 years old ever again, for he was my logical side, being the emotionless brick to my army "flowery" me presently.

But all this talk somehow also made me realize, it's perfectly fine for the both of them to co-exist. Given how they are presently, they seem to make able to figure out what kind of person I was always aiming to be, a man who could and could do without emotions. Someone who could be both and yet neither at the same time. Even though I do feel the mixture of emotions which prompted this post, but it somehow allowed me to think properly, and sieve out the headache from all the schoolwork and remember what I wanted actually, which is to be me, old and new.

So to the rest of the "people" who are willing to read this post, enjoy your happiness, for it will shine and beam on idiots like me, adding a little warmth to the withered souls like mine dying out there... I gotta say, I appreciate the occasional reads and views of your happiness.

Ian