I'm just Tired...

It's been about two weeks since my last post, and frankly, I hate the last two weeks, trying to find a job? Not happening with the bloody market, wanting either experience or a certain Degree/Diploma in a field. Finding my Uni? My bloody parents won't fund me, given that I'm inadequate enough to find a job, and when I try to find one, It's either not for me, or my parents don't want me to stoop that low. But what's worse, is that they don't know that, the whole issue is that I was never interested in my Diploma to begin with, only using it as a means to achieve my goal in the army, and now that I'm unable to achieve that said goal, I'm  forced to think of another way out, and that way was to further my education, to find a better field of grass to which to eat and live upon.

But NO, they are so blind enough to ask me to find a job using my Diploma to work, knowing fully well that I can't win a job, given the grades I got in it. They expect a less than 2.0 GPA student to find a job in a field that will require at least a 3.0 to be considered adequate? HOGWASH! Excuse me, but I ain't that shameless to find a job with this kind of scores!! I rather think outside the box, and find a better job that I like and will accept me with those grades (Yeah, I know, who in the world would hire a guy like me?) Try as I might, I'm not dumb to the point where I can't see that I don't have a future in the field of Biomedical Engineering.

And like I said two paragraphs ago, I was never interested in the field of Biomedical Engineering to begin with. All I was interested, was to go the army and become someone, a somebody over there. But now that that dream has crashed and burned, all I'm left in a pained heart, body and soul, with the wreckage of my life as it is.

Honestly, I'm just so upset for myself, having to know I spent 14 years of my life in the education run, trying to please my parents, when it turns out that, they were never even bothered enough. They have always seen my peers around me doing so much better, that I've become lackluster in comparison. HELLO!? I was never like my peers!! I'm not good at what they have been good at!! I'm not the slightest interested in Math nor Sciences, I was always interested in the Languages!! Why is it that I painstakingly tried to learn Japanese for the last 6-7 years of my life!? It's because I like to learn languages!! Why do I try to type so much? It's because I like writing, communicating my ideas to the rest of the world, making my voice heard among the masses. I don't want to be the next man to invent something that saves lives on the deathbed, I want to be the guy that impacts the living here and now, to show the depressed souls in the world, that someone can make, and has made a difference for them!! Yet here I'm now, stuck and depressed, and worse, repressing all that has been said, angry and frustrated as my crumbling world collapses around me.

Yet to them, I'm always the loser, always the idiot, always the last in place. Even my talents and passion, were found when I was too late and knee deep in the struggle to survive. I honestly, give up. I've lost the race, and my body, mind and soul, in the fight to make my parents smile. Even now, I'm tearing up slightly, as I write this passionate blog post, even though I know it won't ever reach the ears of those I wished it would. I can't believe that my parents thinks like the rest of this inept world, thinking that all we need our kids to be, is in the Math and Sciences, even if the kid seemed to be better at something else. And now, all I'm left, is in shambles, as I can't climb my way out, and my parents refuse me of a second chance. They only know to say that they don't want to waste their cash on me, believing that it will all go to waste, when clearly, I'm the one here that's wasting my time, to further educate myself, in hopes that I can finally find a way to get a better job.

It's not that I want to waste their money, but the learning I'm trying to achieve is indefinite, one I cannot say will, or will not have an effect on me. I know money ain't easy, especially in the crisis now, and I have even seen fresh graduates being refused of a job due to either lack in qualifications or experience. So what about me? A not-so-fresh grad of a good diploma, with results so abysmal? And I don't want to take another chance anymore, because the last one I took, I injured my back, and now am paying the price for it. Yet I'm refused of any more chances from others, be it in searching for a job, or getting to a further education to ensure a better job.

Honestly, I know the smidgen of my "readers" will probably tell me that I should still try, but what's there to try?? I can't work in the engineering field, given my current health condition, and I can't work in the biomedical field without people being worried that I may kill someone by accident, no joke. If I was a superior with a worker like myself, I find it hard to ensure the safety of my patients, and to top it off with a pun, I lack the PATIENCE to be dealing with a PATIENT PATIENTLY. (Don't ask me how I know, I've had similar experiences, to a certain extent) (HA-HA, it's so "funny")

In the end, I've reached a point where I've given up. I don't know how to continue with the remainder of my life, when I'm not given anymore help. All because my parents can't seem to see actual bloody facts and rather see unrealistic expectations! I'm tired and I'm done with it all!!

Ian