What's happened to me after all this time? I used to be so carefree, so unbiased, so... "third-person" in the view of things, and now... I've changed, haven't I?? From the last time I posted and with the recent rage, I've realized that maybe and as I have feared, I've changed for the worse...
In the past, everyone's opinion of me was worse than now, and yet I managed to brush it all off... Where is that "me" now?? Why am I so offended by the mere thoughts from others? Why have I become so yearning for everything...? Is it because you left me??
Perhaps it's my younger brother finally getting a girlfriend, maybe it's my lack of friends, or it's my growing doubts towards myself that has swayed me so much... but you definitely played a part in that, didn't you? In a way, you changed me...
I hate me now, more than ever, without any doubts about it. As I made sense of my world, I've realized that I've lost all that was me, the ability to be unconcerned about others, and I've realized I need to be that, oblivious towards them, oblivious towards all that is bad to me, but somehow, I can't...
Maybe I started to change ever since we met for the 1st time, as I tried to stop you from crying in the MRT. Even until now, that image has never left me and it still feels so surreal, like it happened yesterday. Worse, it still pierces my heart with happiness as for the 1st time, someone has made me feel that way, then to only remember that that was so, so long ago... and my heart feels like it's been ripped a new wound...
Really, now I began to understand, the words of a friend that we still keep in contact, on what I should be... I should be me, the old me, not this new, disgusting me. This me will never survive in this world, where no matter where one goes, criticism is abound. Because the current me will only keep getting angry, and keep trying to change himself just for the rest of the world, and that will just make me nothing more than a puppet. I guess that the truth of the world, at least for me...
Well, know what? I actually thank you now, girl. Without you, I would have never knew that there's a side of me I never liked before, and because of that, I know what to do. I need to change. Back to myself, the old me, and now's the time. As I wrap up the last of my NS life, I've come to accept that I've grown into a different man, but one I should discard once I'm out. Being too responsible and too conscious has made me a angry man, an upset man, one I'm not proud to be, one I rather see burned alive and to the ground. Cause that isn't me, that's not the Ian Lee I was growing up to be.
And to hell with everything I've suffered, to hell with all I've been through. I've been through tougher times than this, and I still came out alive, and well. With NS, I realized that I became worse, much more worse. And like I said four paragraphs ago, I hate the current me.
I need to let go, to let myself become more of the old self, to go through and eat the harsh reality pie once again. But, letting go of the past isn't going to help anymore, I realized, it's letting go of the pride, the pride I've built for myself, the pride that I hid behind, that barrier I've made for myself, and return to being me, the lone wolf I used to be, it's better that way. After all, it's like they say, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", isn't it?
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