A thought...

Well, February is here, meaning a ton of celebrations, but however, I have to say that there is 1 day I do not look forward to: Valentines day... And for good reasons too...

I'm single. Again. Yes, it's been almost a year since my last relationship... and well, lately, I haven't been into trying to get a girlfriend yet. If I must say, I'm still looking for her, hoping against hope that she will appear soon... but however, I agree that I can't force a relationship to happen, even if I really liked that girl. However, then again, it doesn't mean I don't have a girl I like at the moment... Just that, if she doesn't like me, then I don't want to force her to...

Yet, then again, at the same time, unwittingly, I'm questioning myself, even now, writing this post has led me to question myself as it is... Am I really that bad of a person to be someone else's boyfriend?? Am I really that unfriendly, cold and distant, such that I cannot attract someone of the opposite sex?? It's questions like these that make me stay up at night, questioning myself with every passing minute. I admit, I'm not exactly like my fellow age group members, As I still play card games, and chase after idols, but however, like them, I'm always hoping I can find someone who can see the good behind the layer of disgust and utter atrocities that is me. To be honest, I don't need her to completely understand what I'm feeling, but rather, I wish she will listen to me, as much as I will listen to her troubles... But, let's face facts, I'm just never going to find someone who will accept me for whom I am, not whom I act.

In this world where first impressions matter a lot, I admit I sell myself short, very short. In fact, I honestly say that more than 75% of people who look at me at 1st may think I'm just... utterly nonsensical in the way I act, or to put it crudely, I'm utterly disgusting and atrocious for a friend or just as an acquaintance. Honestly, I find that both upsetting and relieving, as I know that while I can never really open up to a bigger circle of friends, I can take pride in the fact how these buffoons simply cannot see past the skin-deep appearances and will never truly appreciate the friend I will turn out to be for them... Which is good as seriously, I'm sick and tired about having to deal with fair-weather people and their ilk, for I hate these kinds of people, always masking themselves, always trying to act cool and awesome when in reality, they are nothing more than retards trying to put up a show for others to watch. I can't, I simply can't do that. Unlike most of the people, I'm unable to wear a mask just to cover up the real me, the extrovert-introvert. I can be very outgoing to most people, going places and chasing after my idol, but deep down, I'm very different to people around me, those who are close to me (Sadly, there aren't many). I'm can be rather thoughtful, deep and perhaps, out of my age group. I think a lot, and I will keep to myself in most cases.but like how I warm up to people, I also hope people will warm up to me, accept me for who I am, not whom I act as. I don't want to know that day in & out, I'm to wear a mask to cover myself and hide from others...

Similarly, I hope I can see those attributes reflected in her, that I don't want to be dealing with someone I can't trust, someone I can't respect... However, with fair-weather people being the norm rather than the exception, I find myself picking the short end of the stick, getting to only meeting people whom I rather wish I never met, hurting myself in the process. As someone who has been bullied for the last 13 of his educational life, I find myself also very much changed from who I was to who I am... the fact that I can be both nice and cruel is really different from the days young, when I was just overall nice to everyone. And to top it off, I find myself rather cautious and getting too worried, like as if I was fighting silent war in me, unlike how I used to be, ready and cheerful, and always wanting to lend a helping hand...

Given I have said so much, I guess it can't be helped that this year, I will spend my valentine's day alone again. (#ForeverAlone) If I must say, is that I'm still waiting, like a fisherman waiting for the fish to be hooked, only than the pond is left with very little fishes and I'm beginning to get weary. Oh well, they say patience is an art, and if so, I hope someone appreciates the art and hurry up!! I don't wish to know next year's valentine's is going to be the same!!

Ian