A nostalgic and familiar thought...

After attending a class gathering today, I realized, through my old classmates, a nostalgic and familiar thought, that made me write this post on such a whim, but well, first post for the month doesn't sound too bad right??

Sadly, this thought made me remember the days back in Poly, when I was still with the class, and I realized what it was, I'm just an outsider to this class.

Frankly, I've forgotten to write about it, but now thinking about it, the class had a gathering like this last year as well, and to be frank, I was for a lack of a better words, left out. But I won't blame them though, it's not like I was ever part of this class in the first place. That's a fact. I was always left out of this class as I wasn't even on the class' wavelength. I was always alone back then, even though I had two good friends back then in the class... I usually ended up alone, but I was fine then, not now. Now, it hurts, to find out that even after 3-4 years, there's still a gap between me and the rest of the class, but I have no reason to complain whatsoever. A man who chose to leave the team must be responsible for the actions that follows. I'm not surprised, but staying so long confirmed it, and in a way, I'm glad, to remember how I was then, so much more stronger and unbreakable... I had borne the weight of solitude and walked it off fine. Yet, now, a simple remark can send me spiraling into thoughts my younger self would say, hah, and walked away from it.

I guess what they said was right, Army changes people. Now, it seems solitude not only is something I crave, but something I now want an option to. To return to who I am, I'm disgusted by myself for not remembering how it was like, being free and walking away from everything that didn't sit right with me. I hate how it's like now, to be so reliant that the mere thought of being alone scares me.

And yet, the gathering showed me it was such, I was always the outsider in any group, someone who never had a chance to actually interact with others. My "lone wolf" attitude, for better or for worse, is the sole reason. But I liked it, being alone, and carefree, not struggling to get the attention of my peers, who practically have no care for a person like me. If one of your peers could even remark that he didn't realize your existence on the table, it goes to show you reached the depths of it, of being so outside of the class, no one needs you.

Somehow, now that I gave it some serious thought, I guess it's better, that I be like my old days and forget about it again, because what's the point of trying get the attention of anyone, when in the end, no one bothers to remember me. Strangely, I smile at the thought of it. Being outside of a group, makes it easier to just get out of it, cause no one expects you to appear, and I can now sorta piece two and two together and realize why one of my pals didn't turn up the last time and this time. It's my own conjecture, but with all the negative stuff that has happened with him and the class, and the words of a classmate, it would seem not attending may be the better option, and why bother attending when not a soul would pay heed to your existence? That instead, you'd be the scorn of the rest?

But instead, I chose to go and get myself injured, and hurt. But it's OK. Pain like this makes one remember, and now that I think about it, yeah, it makes sense. Always away from the main group, always ending up in solitude, always alone. that's the Ian they knew, that the me they remembered. This class never remembered me as someone approachable, but rather, someone who was there, yet not, someone whom not a soul would want to be near due to how he was.

Writing this post, a small memory came back to me, my two amigos in Poly. Till date, I had never had the chance to actually thank them for being so nice to me, for even trying to be nice, though I know, I had never appreciated it back then. Though one had attended the last gathering, she was swamped with the others, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

With this, maybe it's time for me to go through with it again, being alone and finding out who I am. Gotta say, I still can't believe that I would have been that strong, that independent 3-4 years ago, and now, I'm some sort of desperate man needing affirmation that people like me. Hahahaha, but all that being said, now, I want to adventure through memory lane, and remember, who I was before, before all this, find and take back myself, the independent self. That guy who had nothing to lose.

Ian