Heavy Feelings...

Well, it's that time of the year, where all polytechnic final year students excitedly await the fact that they have gotten out of the hellhole they've been living, and can now finally move on with their lives, away from boring lectures and heavy textbooks to the world which the adults call "society"...

NOT FOR ME!! I'm still stuck in this shit hole of a polytechnic and why, all because I effed up in my studies... Now, I know the milk has been split already and it has dripped all the way to the floor, and I know I have no one else but myself to be blamed for this... but I'm still rather upset, seeing that the people I know are all going on with their lives and me?? Still stuck cleaning the dirt off myself, and being upset and what not...

It's embarrassing to say the least, but from the bottom of my heart, I'm wailing out like a kid who lost his balloon, angry and upset that he didn't held on to his balloon tightly...  And I do have to say Emma Watson hit the nail on the head when she said that men not being able to cry is the saddest thing in the world, because I now concede to that quote, as I really do feel horrible but yet, am unable to show it to anyone. I don't blame anyone, nor anything in particular about my current deposition, but yet, inside me lies a sad kid, whose face full of tears now literally yelling how much he is angry and upset of the situation. I now remembered how it feels like, to be left alone, the solitude, the pain, the emotions now all piling up like some giant wave descending upon me. Yet, there is nothing I can do, but to sit and watch as it all crashes down upon me, all the memories now hitting me like punches thrown from a boxer. Twice, the total number of times I was not given a proper graduation ceremony. Twice, I was left fuming and enraged at the turnout of what was to be a glorious occasion, but now that feeling is mixed with the inability to emote and the added weight of regret and the infinite swears I can think of with all the languages I know of. ( I know more than my average English and mother tongue ok??)

I hate myself, the current me, the 20-year old me, unable to cry, unable to show the repressed feelings within me, unable to show up later at the meeting with all my classmates without putting up a fake smile... I wish I never changed, I wished I was still the same old me, that 16-year old me, genuinely crying and laughing whenever he pleases, swearing whenever he wants to... Now, I think too much, too far ahead, till any form of emotion is being repressed by the mere fact that I will process and think through all of it before I even start twitching my fingers for the next line of words. It sucks, honestly.

Therefore, I envy children, I envy women, and I envy couples... the mere fact that these groups of people can show off their emotions to someone else, is just so... enviable, so much so I now feel worse, remembering I had once been in 2 out of the 3 groups of people I mentioned... They can do the things I wanted to, to properly emote and show no signs of repression, no signs of hiding, no fear in showing that they are totally unhappy about their situation through and through... It must be a great feeling to be able to do so...

Now, all my classmates are graduating, being able to move on with their lives, being free to go after what they desire, and yet, I'm left behind, unable to tell nor relate to anyone the emotions of being left behind. The isolation is unbearable to say the least, and the pain is unimaginable. Even right now, I'm trying to repress those goddamned feelings that are piling up inside me. It hurts, trust me... to know behind the smiles I'm going to wear later, is a face scowled with anger, jealousy and self-pity, to know that I won't be able to deal with the pitiful eyes looking upon me by those who don the gown of success, laughing away at how much of a failure I am...

Oh, how I wish I could do the same now, beaming with pride, smiling happily graduating with all my classmates, proudly receiving the award that I worked hard for... But nope, those dreams are dashed, and will never return. Sigh... what am I to do?? Nothing but now to leave everyone here, and go see if I can catch any of my classmates and congratulate them for their efforts and success...

Ian